too many fresh starts to count.

amongst the sleep deprivation and heartache this week, i found some clarity finally. after a weekend of getting into too much of a unhealthy state, i began to question my own judgements and behavour. the first of a few things that i realised was that some people really do need to be shut out of my life once and for all. i realised this when finally had enough of being treated like a doormat by so called friends. people i've tried to be nothing but polite, nice and more than patient with. it's bad enough being talked down to but when i began to wonder what impact and good these people have on my life, i realised the cons definately outweigh the pros.
the second thing i realised is that i've spent too long trying to make everyone else happy. why should i settle and sacrifice my own happiness because i'm too scared to make anyone else unhappy. it's time to be ruthless. college is back on in september, i have a new job, a lot of savings to travel and now a new phone number.

i hope in time some bridges with those i do care for and have lost in this haze which has been the last 6 months can be rebuilt.
but i'd like to thank lois & max especially for giving me some good advice in the last few days.

i'll tell you in another life, when we are both cats

i really should write more often but i never seem to have the time. these days its about reading not putting pen to paper.
this weekend i feel disapointed. disapointed by people and this joke of a place i call my town.

i've discovered this weekend that people are ruthless. after all i've done to help and be a good friend to most, they will always happily stick a knife in my back. and therefore i have come to the conclusion that i definately don't want to procreate.

however i realised that people can also suprise me. i realised this as i drunkenly stumbled into the bathrooms of a club the other night to find an old friend doing her makeup in the mirrors. we haven't spoken in a long time after i had stupidly defended the wrong person in a situation i wanted no involvement with. but instead of giving me dirty looks, she asked how i was doing, came over and gave me a hug. it was nice.

so on lighter notes, this weeks loves: vanilla sky, jeff buckley, beige tailored trousers, peach nails, dying my hair black and staying goth, getting money in 3 weeks and counting down to getting my arms tattooed <3, my boyfriend book he wrote for me, sleeping, candles, cats!


i feel so trapped but i have no choice but to wait. for college, and money to travel, and my stupid fucking passport to be renued. i miss so many people. i miss places, i miss certain times. i miss so much and it's all way to far away to get back right now.

oh and i've quit drinking. somewhere between being so drunk i could barely dj to laying on my bedroom floor being sick with my boyfriend holding my hair back i thought, whats the point. there's more than this.
smoking, drinking, partying, the lot. i'm fucking done. i'm going to start painting and taking photographs again. i've finally got the time and funds to do it.






i miss: xo skeletons reciting on a door step in leeds.