too many fresh starts to count.

amongst the sleep deprivation and heartache this week, i found some clarity finally. after a weekend of getting into too much of a unhealthy state, i began to question my own judgements and behavour. the first of a few things that i realised was that some people really do need to be shut out of my life once and for all. i realised this when finally had enough of being treated like a doormat by so called friends. people i've tried to be nothing but polite, nice and more than patient with. it's bad enough being talked down to but when i began to wonder what impact and good these people have on my life, i realised the cons definately outweigh the pros.
the second thing i realised is that i've spent too long trying to make everyone else happy. why should i settle and sacrifice my own happiness because i'm too scared to make anyone else unhappy. it's time to be ruthless. college is back on in september, i have a new job, a lot of savings to travel and now a new phone number.

i hope in time some bridges with those i do care for and have lost in this haze which has been the last 6 months can be rebuilt.
but i'd like to thank lois & max especially for giving me some good advice in the last few days.

i'll tell you in another life, when we are both cats

i really should write more often but i never seem to have the time. these days its about reading not putting pen to paper.
this weekend i feel disapointed. disapointed by people and this joke of a place i call my town.

i've discovered this weekend that people are ruthless. after all i've done to help and be a good friend to most, they will always happily stick a knife in my back. and therefore i have come to the conclusion that i definately don't want to procreate.

however i realised that people can also suprise me. i realised this as i drunkenly stumbled into the bathrooms of a club the other night to find an old friend doing her makeup in the mirrors. we haven't spoken in a long time after i had stupidly defended the wrong person in a situation i wanted no involvement with. but instead of giving me dirty looks, she asked how i was doing, came over and gave me a hug. it was nice.

so on lighter notes, this weeks loves: vanilla sky, jeff buckley, beige tailored trousers, peach nails, dying my hair black and staying goth, getting money in 3 weeks and counting down to getting my arms tattooed <3, my boyfriend book he wrote for me, sleeping, candles, cats!


i feel so trapped but i have no choice but to wait. for college, and money to travel, and my stupid fucking passport to be renued. i miss so many people. i miss places, i miss certain times. i miss so much and it's all way to far away to get back right now.

oh and i've quit drinking. somewhere between being so drunk i could barely dj to laying on my bedroom floor being sick with my boyfriend holding my hair back i thought, whats the point. there's more than this.
smoking, drinking, partying, the lot. i'm fucking done. i'm going to start painting and taking photographs again. i've finally got the time and funds to do it.






i miss: xo skeletons reciting on a door step in leeds.

MAY/MAE/MAI

i haven't blogged in a pretty long time but so much has gone on. lost friends, made friends, moved into a beautiful victorian house, applied to college, travelled, partied, took a break, found out i get a sweet amount of cash, booked tattoo's, dj'd alot, planned alot, saw a lot of people i haven't in ages, no slept, overslept, loved, hated people, changed my mind, been happy, been blue, stopped caring....list goes on and on and on....

after a full day of unpacking i feel mentally and physically drained so i will just post this up with a couple of songs i love this month and a few things i love.



LOVE:
moving house, telepathe, silk, big hair, black stockings, going out again, philosophy tweet, taxidermy birds feet, antique frames, trains/travelling to places just for the fun of it again, manchester friends, cold caffine drinks, the hot weather we've been having, big glasses, the feeling of calm and distancing myself from those who bring me down






http://takeawalkdownheavenstreet.blogspot.com/

"about me's"

people's about me's on websites are always interesting to read. i like seeing how people describe themselves, and usually writing what they think people want to see.

i guess i 'm not sure what to think. mine have always been book clippings or lyrics i like.
so here goes.

i'm not sure what i want from life. i find that 18 is too young an age to know.
i live in hull, a small city in england however, i dislike it. i think though, no matter where i move i eventually would grow restless and want to move again. i get impatient, and bored, really quickly. always wanting to be places where i haven't experienced and know not that much about. i just like what i see. like new york. paris. london.
big cities, so much to discover. these are the places i want to be.
i want to learn and live. and i feel like this place and the people here just cant give me the kicks i need.
i hate partying, i have for a long time. but due to not being able to sleep due to stress and having nothing better to do, i go out alot.
one thing ive realised from 'growing up' is i don't want to. and that i was happiest at the age of 16, when all i did was bitch about wanting to be 18
18 is no fun. ive go myself into a strange place. and now i'm cutting things out, starting over, going back to the good days.


no more partying.



also this is the music i love.
you know when a food you love makes you sick, then you can't eat it for years due to making you think of vomit. thats how i currently feel about electro.
every party is the same. electro i liked, on repeat for hours and hours.
its become a soundtrack to a comedown.

it's 4.40 am, what are you reading?

i enjoy reading others blogs, mainly those i don't know from different parts of the world.
 tonight i've been reading http://loomofruin.blogspot.com/

i think i should take up an old love, writing
i used to adore creative writing but found that the freedom of college made me not concentrate on it so much as a study. that, and my highly strung english teacher who spent his time having a load off at the girls in the corner of the english room; who spent 8 hours a week of lessons caking on ridiculous amounts of foundation.
nothing sexier than a clown huh?

i also dug out my collection of old cameras the other day
i think spending some money on good film and not going on would be good too
i used to spend all my time drawing, writing, taking photos. and it was good for me.

OLD THINGS:
http://www.flickr.com/photos/wearedaggers/2201565557/in/set-72157603500145518/

http://www.flickr.com/photos/wearedaggers/3513781664/in/set-72157603500151706/

i miss this bed <3

also, who remembers converse? everyone wears vans now. don't get me wrong, i love my black vans however, whatever happened to the classic blue and white converse baseball boots. my old beat up pair looked awesome with leggings and a shirt back in the day. i'm going back to my 16 year old look/ways. long black hair and a nose ring, not alot of partying, alot of travelling, more creativity.

THESE ARE THE WOLVES OF CONVERSATION.

I seem to have so much time and nothing to fill it.

1.22 am, TVOTR, mojito, cigarettes, dim lit rooms. 

I'm feeling so content, i guess right now is the perfect time to decide what i'm going to do to fill my time better. Job with the longer hours perhaps. Or maybe some new books to read....

I LOVE:

GOLDEN AGE

young, awake. confused.

''At sunrise, I found two dead roses taped to my door, along with a cat scratched note that turned out to be the strangulation that life had been planning for me. It was truly a mess unlike her usual charming proposals that I would find waiting for me after work. Concrete and neon was more my scent than hers. I always thought that the incomprehensibility of her goodbye had to count for something in my favor. The note basically said that we are too much alike and people like us weren’t met to feel that good. I made her panic.''


i don't know where to begin with sorting myself out. 
however i do know that there is a plus to being awake and that is reading.
ahhh

COFFEE O'CLOCK

smoke. read. tea. music. tea. smoke. read. smoke. read. smoke. read. smoke. read. smoke. read. tea. music. smoke. read. read. read. read. smoke. r e a d ...........

"The Friendly’s Rapist- from Perinium Number 7

March 3rd, 2010

Getting in the car and going somewhere was always a thing for my mother and I. Sometimes we were running, while other times we were not unlike any other American family off to see Wally World or karate tournaments. Headphones, a mix-tape, sometimes even a new tape and a bag of comics, with a head full of the possibilities a new town could bring. New kids, better girls, better record stores, and new words to learn on more advanced bathroom walls. Once Randy entered the picture, this changed. It was no longer my mother and I against my father, the world, her parents. Now it was Three’s Company.

Randy was, as usual, acting like my lame older brother and his dreams of morphing into the next Neil Pert, Salvador Dali, Steve Vai, HR Giger, or Captain Kirk were not going as planned. A degree in airbrushing, a newfound mustache, and twirling drumsticks in the mirror only will get you so far.

It was winter and we were visiting his family. Naturally I was enraged. We had driven four hours away to somewhere I didn’t want to be. I was stuck with a Rush cassette I did not want to hear and a car full of people I didn’t want to be with. I hadn’t visited one record store and had yet to see one cute girl anywhere. There would be no record stores on this trip, because this trip we were on a tour of Christmas stores with my Mom’s boyfriend’s mom. I was ready to impale myself with a fiberoptic tree. My stomach was growling, my blood sugar levels were goose-stepping and I needed mother’s boyfriend to pay dearly for making me suffer through multiple interpretations of Jingle Bell Rock in department stores across Florida. I stared him directly in eyes, locked for a good few seconds while shaking with an uncontrollable surge of hatred. Then I placed a curse on him.

Back in the car, I was surrounded by overflowing Christmas bags and bad hair. I turned my Walkman on 10 and kept the Satanic Bible glued to my face. I was defeated and it was beginning to show. His mother could also sense it. She was uncomfortable with my reading material and ‘fuck everything’ statement. Worst road trip of all time. She tried to be nice and suggested that I choose the dining environment. I remembered passing a Friendly’s earlier and the recently-hexed soul making mention of how much he hated it. Luckily I took mental notes of everything he didn’t like and Friendly’s it was.

He glared at me from across the table in his custom-made airbrushed shirt that was cleverly designed to look like the shirt was ripped and his skin was made of brick. Twirling his drumsticks and hitting them on his acid wash pants, reminding everyone what he wanted Santa to bring him like the rotten man-child he was. I questioned my curse. Was he already just that damned? Maybe I wasn’t the aspiring magician I thought I was.

Somewhere in between the remnants of bun crumbs and brownish-pink burger grease being removed and the arrival of hot fudge sundaes, our table was surrounded by the police. There was a rapist on the loose who had been targeting that exact Friendly’s and my mother’s boyfriend was a dead ringer of the suspect. The resemblance was uncanny. The artist’s rendering was spot on. TheFriendly’s rapist was cuffed, taken away and booked and I was the only one who touched the ice cream.

After sitting in the police station for hours, he was cleared of all pending charges. There was a lot for everyone to ponder on the way home. No tapes were played, no one spoke. I got a slurpee and the new Thrasher. Best road trip ever."
- max g morton.




i hate sleep deprivation.

the 3am, one person party

HULL > DONCASTER > YORK > DEWSBURY > LEEDS > WAKEFIELD.......

just numerous stops on my path of destruction.
leeds from wednesday until next monday. i love this.
currently krystina is sleeping, something i have NEVER seen before, and i'm awake drinking tea, smoking too much, eating cheese string and listening to cunninglynguists with a massive rabbit.
the original plan was to stay up, get friends over and get a little bit messy however, no luck!
could have gone back to where i came from but we're being 'responsible adults' and currently looking after minors. however, sunday we get let loose and will be partying back in leeds. i can't wait.

THINGS I LOVE:

Something I Like...

MAX G MORTON BLOG

WORKIN NIGHTS BLOG

A little late in the year to start something.

I decided once again to start a blog. This is something I do at the beginning of every year but baring in mind i've been without proper internet access and motervation over the last few months, I didn't bother. However I have a few hours to kill whilst sitting in Leeds University waiting for my friend. So I felt like being productive!

This blog, unlike my last, won't include countless rants about things I dislike. But projects I'm currently involved with, Things of interest, Things I like, Things I love and Things I plan to do.....

Last year was good in some parts, and really bad in others. This year started off horribly but it all seems to be back on track now :) I think the fact it's summer again has given me a drive to do things! Dark and cold just makes me blue.

PROJECTS

MOVING OUT!! Me and one of my best friends have decided to up sticks and move out of Hull. In autumn this year we will be moving to Leeds and getting a place together; Which i'm so excited for. I've been spending more time in Leeds more than hull recently (and currently here as i'm writing this). Once again i've began to DJ again, electro as always. Home Sweet Home has invited me to again do sets for them at the beginning of every month and I honestly can't wait for the next one!

THINGS I LIKE

Basically this man could be under thing's I love. Max G Morton. The book he's reading in this photograph is 'Looking For The Magic'. I found myself sitting alone in a train station this morning completely taken in by this book. It was probably the high point of my week after a dissapointing night that I thought would be amazing.

THINGS I LOVE

TAXIDERMYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY <3